The Turtle Man

It was a spring several years ago.  I remember this one well because it's one I tell my friends often.

 Part of being a cable person is being observant. I, with my tool belt on and my meter on my shoulder, was walking up a driveway and noticed a small dead bird laying in the grass beside the drive. I continue walking and knock on the door. No answer. I ring the bell. No answer. I walk back down the drive and hear someone hollering that they are here. I smile and greet them at the door.

He looks like a fat Wayne from Wayne's World. He has the ball cap, long black hair, and a printed black t-shirt. He is 40, I know because it is the first thing he tells me and that he lives with his baptist preacher parents. I instruct him to take me to the tv having the problems. He leads me upstairs to a bedroom. I immediately avert my eyes from the bed covered in brown stains and tunnel vision lock on the television. He notices my quick eye diversion and says don't worry its from his turtle. He then lifts a pillow and pulls a box turtle from his bead. "He has to sleep in bed with me because if he doesn't he will bang his head against the glass of his aquarium all night."

OK.

I look at the television.  While looking at said tv, flipping channels, trying to find any problem at all, customer asks if I am a Marine.

"No." I say.
"Did you see the dead bird in the drive?" He asks.
"Yes."
"They shot it.  They hid in the woods in my backyard and shot it." He continued. "They watch me. They even send their kids on their bicycles to come over and alter the green can by the road that controls the cable." He leans closer. "I know they do. They even tap my phone."

I look at him curiously, still needing something to fix. "What's wrong with your phone?"

"It buzzes."

I can fix buzzes, so I offer to fix his phone. He takes me to it and continues. "I'm ok with the government listening in, but I dont think cable companies have the right to listen. I want them to stop, and I want them to quit hiding in my backyard."

I naturally trust people and want to help, thus why I played along as long as I did, but at this I told him I have to go check outside. I go to my truck and check.  He has his phone through a competitor.   I call my manager and tell him I don't know what to fix here and that the customer is crazy. 
"He's crazy?" My manager asked.
"He says we have ex-marines employed who watch his house, bug his phone, and shoots birds in his front yard."

"Oh, one of those. Code it customer education and get out of there." My manager said with a straight, non joking voice as if it happens all the time.

After doing this as long as I have, situations like this are a yearly event, and happen to every technician.